TeaRs And SmiLes

i need a hug ):
badly.
very badly.
):

What is there to fear? I'm alone; no one can hurt me. So what have I got to fear?

once, a friend told me that dreams could probably be the most wonderful thing in our lives.

the new year is coming in a few hours more. my dad didn't allow me to go for the count down. he said wait till u're 16. -.- but i wanna watch the fireworks.

im feeling weird.
infact im feeling sour.

i got soaked in the rain again.
totally.
no doubt. im getting sick.
getting sick. of everything.
might as well die.
get sick and die. hoho.


HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
(: cheerios

fish.

guys can be irritating. especially ones whom you don't even know they existed.

this freaking weird guy msged me on friendster. he wanted me to add him. -_-
arse. does your friendster contains a special edition that it doesn't have a 'add as friend' button and you need me to add you?? so i say 'add your self' .

he then replied. 'woah, nice attitude hun. wat your number.? *winks*'

eww eww eww. yuck yuck yuck. gross gross gross.

then i did not reply him. and then, after watching tv. i came back to the computer and went back to friendster.

new messages. from that fisher. he msged 6 times. with the same content.

'woah, nice attitude hun. wat your number.? *winks*'

arse arse arse arse. if all the guys in the world are like this fisher. i would turn lesbian. worst. i'll jump down or go for plastic surgery, turn myself into a guy.

horrible!!!
-----

im suffering, im having an itchy throat. itchy eyes. aches on legs. N if im not wrong. a lil of temperature. cos i have been playing in the rain for the past 3 days straight.

hoohoo.

its been awhile since i've abused myself. [i kept my promise. do i have a present? (:]
and santa didn't come.
so much for being a gd gal.

i guess that this is where we've come to
and if you don't want to
than you don't have to believe me.


tajuddin has gone all haywired from KL!!! goodness. horrible.

you are so thick skinned. hahaks. i can't stand you..
thick skinned bobo.
kuku! xD
well, i feel like boxing you.
worst i'll bite you.
slap la.
bite you.


fort minor - believe me
fort minor - petrified
fort minor - remember the name
n'sync - i believe in you
craig david - don't love you no more
craig david - johnny
nickelback - photograph
mariah carey & 98 degrees & joe - thank god i found you
pink - family portrait
maroon 5 - she will be loved
linkin park - numb
linkin park -breaking the habit
eminem - mockingbird
eminem - toy soldiers
eminem - cleaning my closet
aaron carter - leave it up to me
gwen stefani - hollaback girl
NB ridaz - notice me

playlist playlist!!
they're taking over me.
ciaos. gonna mum-mum.
HAHA.
so hard to say goodbye..

im scared.
im frightened.
im afraid.
i feel insecure.

i feel unreal. but i don't know how to describe how im feeling right now. it feels as if im locked in a cage, seeing other people having fun. the key is right on the table but out of my reach.

i don't know what am i talking AGAIN. forget it.

make me wake up from my nightmare.
i don't even know when i slept and got into this mess.

u know what. sometimes u make me feel like hugging u. (:
don't know
just feel like.(:
-----
enough bout that. i want to commemorate this day. i killed a cockroach. a real cockroach. i was on my way to sch, walking in to the building when i saw a cockroach. i kicked it gently to the other side which was in the middle of the road. a car came and squash it flat. ok lah, indirectly i brought it's death.

RIP.
cockytheroach

i hate this. [i said 'this' not 'you']

u made me promise u.

u made me cry.

and now u totally don't care at all.

if i knew this would happen. i wouldn't have even talk to you. i might as well ignore u the whole day. the whole week. the whole OF MY LIFE. but i jolly well know that i suck at ignoring people. esp my friends. i will feel bad. you may think i did a good job at ignoring people.

BUT I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW I SUCK AT THAT.

YES. AND I SUCK STRAWS!!! VERY COLOURFUL STRAWS!!! ARGH.

sometimes i just feel like telling you everything. but hey, you were not there. or my subconscious mind just keep telling me that you're busy or you wouldn't want to know about my stuffs at all. somehow, i wish, you would tell me that whatever i thought of is not true.

YEP. I TOLD YOU THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME.

i am a sensitive person. so i may conclude stuffs that may not be true. but there's 1 thing i hate about myself is this, : when i conclude the whole thing. i believe it. and when i believe it. I FREAKING STAND STRONG FOR WHAT I BELIEVE IN!!!!!! argh.

i dont want to lose u as my friend. i hate to lose stuffs. i hate losing people. i had to face the loss of my best friend in another sch when i was in sec1. he passed away of asthma. and god knows how long i cried.

after that, i learnt how to treasure my friends cos i don't wanna lose them.

and now i don't wanna lose anyone!!!

you understood how i felt when i was all alone. you offered your hand to help. that's what made me felt 'me' again.

i feel so sad. so damn freaking sad. so damn freaking downcasted.
i feel so unwanted. so damn freaking unwanted. so damn freaking unattended.
im feeling blue. so damn freaking blue. so damn freaking NAVY BLUE!!!

im going bonkers.

I AM GOING TO VACUUM THE FLOOR!!!!! MANY MANY TIMES.

oh did i say?? my mom assigned me that job. i have to do it every 3 days. mwaahaha.


ARGH!!!!!!!

apparently, i had christmas with my friends this time. both parents were not really into christmas as 1 was working. there was no christmas tree as we 3, could not happily agree on 1. so, forget it.

i can't really explain but i get very emotionally unstable whenever it comes to christmas. don't know why.

i've changed the blogskin of this. and suddenly, i don't feel like closing this blog down anymore. it contains both sad and happy memories of mine. so, let's just leave it shall we?

i didn't buy any christmas presents. cos, the uncle refuse to give us our pay before christmas. he said he will give it to us on tuesday. oh well. he's the boss, we're the workers. so, i was broke.

christmas eve was nice. cos i went for a party. and i wore skirt. -_- don't ask why. it was part of the deal with my mom. if she lets me go to australia for the ncc attachment, i'll have to wear skirts on both christmas and new year. so.. i wore it la.

suffering acute chronic boredism

1 yr anniversary of tsunami. may god bless all those who lost their loved ones during the tidal waves.

. . .

my nose is bleeding. cos i did'nt eat my medicine. HAHA. still, im blogging

thursday friday saturday was fun!! cos i didn't do any any crappy stuffs. and i was darn happy.

but sunday night. i cried like there was no monday. hak. so, somehow, the tears covered up for those 3 days. slept at 3am. woke up and 7am. to work.

sunday night sucked too. cos i missed my tv show - yuan wang shu. starring edison chen argh.

i love working. just keep myself busy busy busy. with ah siao by my side, nothing can go wrong. but it's tiring.

if only...
forget it. blah

im gonna close down this blog. perhaps soon. before sch reopens and open a new one. MAYBE.

ciao. totally shagged out.


i hate the way u affect me.

i have many questions in my mind. but i don't know where to start from. who to ask.
i have lotsa things to say. but i don't know who to tell to.
i wanna cry. just cry out loud. i nd a shoulder.

who cares? nobody rights? YAHs.

the reservoir is such a nice place. i was there for an hour. saw lotsa tortoise. and saw a stray dog. so cutee!! played with it for awhile. then, it was time to go.

it was time to let go.

------
to the one whom i made my promises on the 14 12 2005, wednesday night

i know you worry
when you see those scars
on my hand.
to tell you i cut again
and that im sorry.

well, just so you know
i cut again and im sorry
i just needed
to feel something real again.

but you know what?
that was the last time.
i mean it this time
im not just saying it.
because this time
im calling you
to tell you
i wont cut again
i promise.
im not gonna cut ever again
i really promise.

if not, i'll let you box me again k. (:

santa claus is coming to town!!!!!! to bedok!!! to my house!!!!


*dreams*

blah blah blah..

dear santa, here's wad i want!!

- a big long hug!!!
- that big big cuddly bear!!
- the 2 cute dogs connected by a string and when pulled apart, it makes a smooching sound and goes " I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!"
- i wanna be happy!!
- i wanna be real.
- i want my nose to stop bleeDing.
- i dont wanna be left alonee. ):

most of all. i just want somethin memorable. (:
----

bahh. am i greedy?! hope santa sees this. i've been a gd girl this year. hees.

i miss everyone. i feel as if im not wanted. BUT HEYY!! its coming to christmass. so.. im HAPPYY!!

he's makiNG a list checkin it twice!

what do u want for christmas?? (:

if only i could erase my memories.


thks and sorry georgie. for everything. (:

so tired. slept an hour last night. after flipping through channels on the tv aimlessly. i lay flat on my bed and thought, "how i wish i was back in camp pinnacle."

im missing everyone. but i don't know if anyone misses me. i doubt so.

i found out something.

am i supposed to be sad or wad?

nah. i was already sad one of the days. so i shall be happy.

life is so hard for me. im always so unreal. luckily during camp, there was sabri. (: he rocks lah. making me laugh everyday. haha.

being happy is hard t0o. i need someone to cheer me up. really cheer me up. im always telling people to cheer up. but i've nvr really cheer up. don't ask me why. i don't know either. but life goes on.

i hate being alone. cos i'll think of ending my life. or worst. i'll just cry and cry and cry. don't tell me that im a big girl and stop all these crap. you're not me, so you don't know how i feel.

do you know how does it feels like when u're being outcasted?

do you know how does it feels like when u just need someone to hug, but there's no one?

do you know how it feels like when you're all alone and the knife is just on your table?

do you know how it feels like when u can only cry when u're about to sleep?

well, i know. cos yours truly went through aLL this before. and does anyone know? nah. now than you know right? and surprisingly, you people are called my friends.

i am afraid
i am frightened
i am scared

that no one will want to help me from all these. im really frightened.
i've given everything
i've love you endlessly
but when it comes to me
you don't even notice me.

i went to australia for an attachment. went to lotsa places but there's 1 place i wanna go and see see kpo kpo. that is the high school. i wanna go experience the high school life there!!. hais. talk no action.

finally, i left the HQ. and back to my home and of course my taddy bear which was unfortunately alone for 13 days. camp pinnacle was fun lah. charlie rocks. =D. yup. the whole of charlie rocks! on camp pin night, only the charlie's were the only ones that are supposed to do billy banja. but in the end. alpha and bravo all come. [-.-'']. oh well.

jeryl was plain irritatin lah. kept showin off his staff rank. jeryl, u wait till i get mine. =P i was late on the 1st day. damn tired from the flight. and as a result. the trio took cab over my house to HQ. at there, 1st ones we saw was george and tajuddin. haha.

i ignored george for the 1st day. haha. actuallly at first is nvr see. den see liao, so ignore. dunno why. just felt like it, den at the end of the day, he was like "wah lao. dao me the whole day." haha. ignoring people is fun lah.

THAN, i cant rber wad happend on the following days.

hahaha. no lah. jus lazy to type.

wo hui xue zhe fang qi ni, shi ying wei wo tai ai ni.